


learn (the cost of desire)

by WindyRein



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Asexual Lydia Martin, Asexuality Spectrum, Autochorissexuality, Character Study, Drabble, F/M, POV Female Character, POV Lydia Martin, or something like it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 20:04:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9200261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindyRein/pseuds/WindyRein
Summary: She wants to know, so she learns.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Not quite as autobiographical as I was planning on when I started but eeeh :D
> 
> Hope someone finds something that clicks with them in this as this is (more or less) my ace experience :) (okay, mine had more drama and denial and questioning but that didn't want to be written, so you get this)
> 
> Title from & writing music: [Want by Recoil & Nicole Blackman](https://youtu.be/SZST-Ok7VUo?t=40s)

The first time she sees a sex scene on TV she's thirteen. She watches for a while, tilts her head and wonders "what's so special about that?".

That's when she starts reading about sex. But not those fantastical bodice-rippers that make her classmates giggle and blush, no, she reads scientific texts, biology texts, psychological studies. She reads until she knows everything and then she starts experimenting.

She creates elaborate and not-so-elaborate fantasies in her head and when she's a week away from fifteen she touches herself for the first time. She comes to the conclusion that the endorphin rush and the relaxation it brings is a good stress relief as well as a good way of getting to sleep if everything else fails.

But there comes a point, where she needs to know if having another person involved would make it better somehow, would bring that hedonistic pleasure everyone keeps talking about, though not in as many words.

She chooses Jackson because she thinks there's something of her in him.

She writes her observations in her journal _(jackson calls it a diary no matter what she says)_ and finds, in the end, there's not much difference between her alone with her thoughts or having Jackson there with his clumsy teenager experience _(sometimes she thinks it might even be better without jackson)_ , though she does make a note of possibly trying someone with more experience at some point.

She's slightly disappointed but finally comes to the conclusion it might be one of those things that varies between people and that's when she dives into the strange, strange world of tumblr and all the labels that get thrown around there. After that she starts googling those labels and finding out what exactly science says about them.

She doesn't stop until she finds the term autochorissexualism _(and she doesn't really stop even then)_.

Her whole world stops for a moment and then realigns with an almost audible click.

 _Yes, this,_ she thinks.

**Author's Note:**

> Missed tags are appreciated and reviews are loved. :)
> 
> And hopefully I didn't butcher Lydia completely *grimaces*


End file.
